Ah, Britishness. It’s something perceived the world over to involve monocles, butlers and crumpets. We on the Isles know the real story though, it’s all about social awkwardness, endless apologising and politeness to a fault.
This is how one truly achieves Britishness.
Relate to everything ever tweeted by Very British Problems
We dare you to scroll through this Twitter feed without nodding your head and quietly laughing to yourself at least once. It’s just not possible, this is the best of British humour. Secretly love the British Royal Family
Letting crisps slowly dissolve in your mouth rather than deafen the office with frightful crunching— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) September 21, 2015
You could get weird about it and turn your entire home into a shrine to the royals, or you could dip your toe into British eccentricity by sporting a pair of Kate Middle-Toe socks. The choice is yours (but we strongly recommend Princess Kate, obviously).
Talk about the weather
Here are are some weather-related conversation starters in case you find yourself stuck for ideas (you can skip this section if you actually are British, these phrases are already programmed into your DNA”):
● “It just can’t make up its mind today, can it?”
● “Cor, chilly, isn’t it?”
● “We had to put the heating on last night!”
● “It’s just impossible to dress for the weather these days”
Drink far too much tea
Although if you’re a true Brit, you’ll know that there’s no such thing as too much. For the record, it would take 217.82 cups of brewed tea to actually kill you.
Choose your newspaper and stick to it
Whether it be The Guardian, The Daily Mail or The Telegraph, your choice of newspaper will define you. Be prepared to literally lose friends over your loyalty to the pages you lounge around reading on a Sunday.
Commit to staycations
Travel to a campsite in Devon, Cornwall or Wales for a week in the summer holidays. Spend the entire week inside your campervan or tent because it is raining. Return home despising your entire family. Repeat next year, and the year after, and the year... you get the idea.
Master the art of self deprecation
We’ll end with the most British trait of all, the natural ability to relentlessly take the piss out of oneself. As a citizen of our great nation, it’s your duty to sort of hate yourself a little bit, and doubt yourself constantly. You’re also required to be entirely baffled by the America’s ability to smile every day and use phrases like “rise and grind” and “you have the same amount of hours in a day as Beyonce” without irony.
There we have it, the bona fide guide to Britishness. If you want to make sure you’re a true Brit head to toe wherever you go, do make sure you check out those Kate Middle-Toe socks!
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